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N) The day after we bought chocolate icecream (delicious, incidentally) at Thorntonapos;s, they stopped selling it until January. To apos;testapos; different available chocolates, three (relatively small, though) bags of chocolates were bought. Each of those three has now been opened, and weapos;ve found that thereapos;s nothing on hand--clips etc.--with which to seal them. In the interest of not letting them get stale...

...is this loud doom I hear on the horizon?

Great amounts of exercise will likely be needed.
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The mirror hangs on the wall...
Serving as a reminder of all that has gone wrong.
Every mistake is seen in its reflection.
The hallway so empty and cold...
Now just a haunting reminder of laughter, joy and happiness.
The bed now lays so cold and untouched, whispers of what used to be...
The kitchen so uninviting...
Reflections of sappy goofiness.
Lying on the dark, cold floor...
Tears for a pillow, nakedness for a blanket.
The fire went out and you donapos;t know how...
Everytime you try to stand the force knocks you back down to your knees.
The blood mixed with tears in this whimsical reminder of pain, of lonliness...
The sun will rise again...
Of this I can only hope.

Naomi Bright
July 11, 2007

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Cambridge has more restaurants and cafes than you could shake a stick at. Lots of them are, for that matter, very good, and not priced any worse than the snack bar. So why do I keep winding up stumbling along the sidewalk, practically passing out from hunger and caffeine withdrawal? Its a paradox.

In particular, I wanted to go to that sushi place in Porter square... But, I donapos;t know how. It doesnapos;t fit into the standard programs of a restaurant or a cafe or a diner or what-have-you, so Iapos;m not sure how to go about ordering. And those giant sushi ordering-forms- what the fark is a oroshumimono*, and what fraction of a meal is it? Its all so intimidating I donapos;t know how people figure this sort of thing out- city folk must be clever.

In other news, one of those subway ads for Vecna Medical explained why its called "Vecna"- apparently its the Czech word for "eternal" (and, as the ad points out, "built to last.")� Which may or may not be considered a valid explanation, and may or may not make the company seem any less ominous.� I wonder, though, if the DD people knew what the word meant when they named a lich-god after it.

And in other other news, I still havenapos;t found a coat.� The fact that my favorite clothing stores�(read: Garment District, Hootenannyapos;s, and Garment District) are in Halloween-mode didnapos;t help, but apparently my idea of a good coat is also fantastically improbable in the realm of modern fashion (that idea is:� black, long, and not mid-century-anachronistic.)� I should just build a big heavy cloak.

(I wonder if Vecna would hire an intern this winter?� Hmm.)



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Had a very sad and strange practice yesterday. When I walked in I learned from my teacher that her best friend, one of my "yoga girls" from teacher training, was found dead the other day of apparent suicide. My teacher was, of course, devastated, and really couldnapos;t teach. How can you possibly make sense of your best friendapos;s suicide? I was greatly saddened, too; the last time I saw this�young woman�was in the spring, and she looked healthier and happier than she ever had since Iapos;d met her. Her energy was so contagious that I ended up in a better mood that day for having said hello to her.

My teacher had us do half a yoga mala (54 sun salutations) at our own speed, in honor/memory of her friend, and then lead a short meditation at the end.�She was pretty strong to have been able to give even that much format to the class. I couldnapos;t get into my body or my practice at all because of the situation, and stopped a few times when I was really not focused instead of risking a broken toe on a jump-through.

This is a lousy way to start up posting on this blog after a few months of non-posting, but sadly itapos;s the only yoga-related "stuff" Iapos;ve had to talk about lately. Still been going more or less once a week, but my practice is all but non-existant at this point, and I feel like shit because of that. Doing the sun salutations yesterday made me realize that I feel completely disconnected with my body, and my goal for the upcoming month is to rediscover that connection and move back home into this body Iapos;ve been given. Itapos;s not by any means a wonderful body, but it is mine. Ironic how someoneapos;s chosing to give up on their body, their life, lead me to feel this way.

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Even though I still dont think of Sam as an ex-girlfriend, today I woke up and felt like I am a single guy.� Not because of my actions, I am not living life any different than I did before, but that my life is all about me.�

I am not someone who dates, I am single or in a comited relationship.� I dont get dating, it doesnt do anything for me.�

Every morning I wake up in my bed, with Hoss by my side, and choose when and how I am going to start my day.� its not that its any better or worse than my life before, its just different than I have lived for the past 2 1/2 years, and its taking some getting used to.

Sam has said to me before; "I feel like you define yourself so much based on our relationship."� And to an extent she is right, but its not that I need her to be me, I have been defining myself as being a part of a relationship, the same way that I define myself by my job, my friends, and where I go to school.

So now, Iapos;m single, and iapos;m relearning how to define myself as such.

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Today is the one-year anniversary of my panic attack.� I thought it might be somebodyapos;s birthday, but I donapos;t know the significance of Oct 19th.� I thought I remembered somebody asking me if it was significant, before it happened.� I think the panic attack may have been planned.� If nothing else, Oct 2008 is the approximate 22 year anniversary of the last time I saw Crete "Susan"�McCourtney, the love of my life.

As of today, Iapos;m staying with my mom stepdad at my momapos;s place, condo #7.� This is an uncomfortable situation, since they abused me when I was a kid.� Itapos;s an unstable situation, because my mom is a control freak, and sheapos;s thrown me out before.� Iapos;m thinking maybe I can at least stay here long enough for my scraped elbows blistered toes to heal.

I should find out�the status of�my crazy check by the end of the month.� Iapos;m not optimistic.

The land line number here is sep du sep, ok du unu, ok unu tri naux.� Call me, but be cagey.

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Yesterday, i had let my emotions to overtake me.
spoiling my saturday.
thought about it and laugh at myself.

on the journey, i asked myself:
was it because the seller had canceled the meetup last minute?
was it because of what i was informed in the morning?
was it because i was too tired from work?
was it because i didnapos;t have enough sleep?
or was it just purely pms-ing?

HA HA... I laugh wickedly at myself.
when was the last time that i ever had this feeling.
not a great feeling but still something that was missed. :P


today, i went to the temple where my dadapos;s tablet was placed.
the caretaker told me about one of the recent deceased story.
my heart aches for him and his family.
a recent news clip would have the details.
a car accident killed 2 friends on a supper trip.
saw the young wife of the driver (who was there).
happiness was wiped away from her.
sorrow could only be seen.
felt sorry for her.

on the rainy trip back, i asked myself.
why had i not felt blessed all the time.
why had i been selfish to only consider my own feelings.
on comparison, i had been lucky.
my basic needs are met.
the people are care for me are around and vice versa.
there are so many people in the world who couldnapos;t even have this.

why shouldnapos;t i be happy with the present.
why do i grumble and complain over small stuff.
shouldnapos;t me be thinking of the brighter side of all causes?
was it because of the fast pace society that cause our tolerance level for others to be low?
why didnapos;t people take a step back and enjoy the slow pace for a moment.
things would be brighter and day would be happier.
i guessed its all because when you are in the rat race, the term "slow down" would be erased.
(to note: i am a no saint in the above but i do pause for a while in the morning to look at the morning rush.)



tomorrow, it would be just another busy day at work.
rushing to get some tasks completed.
handover, and take my leave with peace.

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Iapos;d just like to take a moment of your time to outline a new rule:

if weapos;ve made plans to meet and you donapos;t show up, donapos;t call, and donapos;t leave some kind of message for me by the time I get home--youapos;re cut. Zero tolerance. End of story.

my phone numberapos;s on my facebook profile and my cell picks up email. Iapos;m not that hard to reach. The crappy restaurant you chose has a phone, too. Because I decided to honour our plans, I missed out on seeing some great people while Iapos;m in town. Thanks a bunch.

have a nice life.

bye

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I wasnapos;t really planning on posting and whining, but Iapos;m at the school library between classes and I did all the work Iapos;m willing to do today. Tomorrow is another day after all.

So whatapos;s been going on. Letapos;s see, I am safe from the fires. I live right in the middle of the bowl that is the valley so I was relatively safe from the fires. But it it still kinda funky seeing smoke floating by and having the whole valley smelling like (I swear this is what a kid at the place I work at mentioned) Mexico. I had to think about that one for a second a nod my head yes. It did in fact smell like parts of Mexico Iapos;ve been to. I had to explain that to my GF, I told her smells ofter become associated with memories and that was one for me. To which she asked why would Mexico smell like smoke. I respond, how else are they supposed to heat anything in the rural areas?

On the bad side of the news spectrum. My GFapos;s aunt who is more like a mother figure to her has been in the hospital for the past month and a half and itapos;s not good. She went in for some infection thing on her foot, and the whole thing came down on her. They diagnosed leukemia, then cancer of parts. A week ago her organs completely failed. At this point any text I get, I feel I have to check to see if I need to drive my GF to her family cause sheapos;s passed. Itapos;s actually quite nerve wracking. Needless to say, because of this my home life is a bit strained. I feel Iapos;m walking on eggshells around her because I donapos;t want to set her off one way or another. I hate seeing her cry, but at the same time thereapos;s nothing I can really do, but offer a shoulder to cry on. And she has been doing quite a bit of that. This has also influenced my classwork. I had on online class that was going to be done this past Tuesday, but because of the fires they extended the deadline to next weekend. I was on schedule to have it all done even with all of my procrastinating, then this fell and Iapos;m now conscripted to driving her down to lynwood cause sheapos;s in no condition to drive down there and back by herself. I donapos;t really blame her though. Of course now because of this, I had to ask the professor of the class for an extension, which I was really hesitant to do. I havenapos;t had to ask for extensions thus far, and up till now Iapos;ve been willing to accept my fuckups. This though, I grudgingly accepted as outside of my control and so I asked for the extension. Which turns out I wonapos;t really need if I can finish the bit of work I had to do by tuesday. Which means this weekend is made of work, and work, and maybe a stop in down the road for some meat and anime. Though considering I helped move the majority of my GFapos;s auntapos;s stuff out of the place she was living at out to storage last week, and there was still some stuff left, I think Iapos;m going to have to factor in a drive out to corona as well.

To further add to this month of suckitude my grandmother fell three weeks ago, which also added to my need to ask for the extension, as I was driving from one hospital to another and attempting to comfort some family or another. Sheapos;s fine now and they released her from the hospital last night I just found out. So at least that worry is off my shoulders now, though I canapos;t imagine what my mom is going through now that sheapos;s got her at home with no one to really help her with her. What made it worse was that I was the one mom called first to tell what happened, so it fell on me to find out all the information, and contact the rest of the immediate family as to what the situation was and what was going on. Now I canapos;t help but think that grandmaapos;s just going back to how she was and refusing to stay seated and insisting on doing some chore or another around the house. Which will add stress to my mom as sheapos;ll constantly be worrying about her.

In other news, I picked up an Xbox 360. Yeah, I went out and picked up the arcade, I figure I can pick up a HDD cheap off ebay later. I took advantage of a deal Fryapos;s did when the price on it dropped and picked up three cheap little games for it for $17, and I also already had Call of Duty 2 for it from when I worked on it, so I have something to play on it. Now I just have to get through the next week of midterms and test and then Iapos;ll be able to plop down in front of the tv and play for a while with no really big worries.

So thatapos;s where I stand for now. So far classes are ok, just a bit stressful when counting in the last monthapos;s happenings. Well see how the next couple of months pan out. Wish me luck for midterms and good luck for all of you going through them as well.
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