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N) The day after we bought chocolate icecream (delicious, incidentally) at Thorntonapos;s, they stopped selling it until January. To apos;testapos; different available chocolates, three (relatively small, though) bags of chocolates were bought. Each of those three has now been opened, and weapos;ve found that thereapos;s nothing on hand--clips etc.--with which to seal them. In the interest of not letting them get stale...

...is this loud doom I hear on the horizon?

Great amounts of exercise will likely be needed.
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The mirror hangs on the wall...
Serving as a reminder of all that has gone wrong.
Every mistake is seen in its reflection.
The hallway so empty and cold...
Now just a haunting reminder of laughter, joy and happiness.
The bed now lays so cold and untouched, whispers of what used to be...
The kitchen so uninviting...
Reflections of sappy goofiness.
Lying on the dark, cold floor...
Tears for a pillow, nakedness for a blanket.
The fire went out and you donapos;t know how...
Everytime you try to stand the force knocks you back down to your knees.
The blood mixed with tears in this whimsical reminder of pain, of lonliness...
The sun will rise again...
Of this I can only hope.

Naomi Bright
July 11, 2007

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before land time

Cambridge has more restaurants and cafes than you could shake a stick at. Lots of them are, for that matter, very good, and not priced any worse than the snack bar. So why do I keep winding up stumbling along the sidewalk, practically passing out from hunger and caffeine withdrawal? Its a paradox.

In particular, I wanted to go to that sushi place in Porter square... But, I donapos;t know how. It doesnapos;t fit into the standard programs of a restaurant or a cafe or a diner or what-have-you, so Iapos;m not sure how to go about ordering. And those giant sushi ordering-forms- what the fark is a oroshumimono*, and what fraction of a meal is it? Its all so intimidating I donapos;t know how people figure this sort of thing out- city folk must be clever.

In other news, one of those subway ads for Vecna Medical explained why its called "Vecna"- apparently its the Czech word for "eternal" (and, as the ad points out, "built to last.")� Which may or may not be considered a valid explanation, and may or may not make the company seem any less ominous.� I wonder, though, if the DD people knew what the word meant when they named a lich-god after it.

And in other other news, I still havenapos;t found a coat.� The fact that my favorite clothing stores�(read: Garment District, Hootenannyapos;s, and Garment District) are in Halloween-mode didnapos;t help, but apparently my idea of a good coat is also fantastically improbable in the realm of modern fashion (that idea is:� black, long, and not mid-century-anachronistic.)� I should just build a big heavy cloak.

(I wonder if Vecna would hire an intern this winter?� Hmm.)



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Had a very sad and strange practice yesterday. When I walked in I learned from my teacher that her best friend, one of my "yoga girls" from teacher training, was found dead the other day of apparent suicide. My teacher was, of course, devastated, and really couldnapos;t teach. How can you possibly make sense of your best friendapos;s suicide? I was greatly saddened, too; the last time I saw this�young woman�was in the spring, and she looked healthier and happier than she ever had since Iapos;d met her. Her energy was so contagious that I ended up in a better mood that day for having said hello to her.

My teacher had us do half a yoga mala (54 sun salutations) at our own speed, in honor/memory of her friend, and then lead a short meditation at the end.�She was pretty strong to have been able to give even that much format to the class. I couldnapos;t get into my body or my practice at all because of the situation, and stopped a few times when I was really not focused instead of risking a broken toe on a jump-through.

This is a lousy way to start up posting on this blog after a few months of non-posting, but sadly itapos;s the only yoga-related "stuff" Iapos;ve had to talk about lately. Still been going more or less once a week, but my practice is all but non-existant at this point, and I feel like shit because of that. Doing the sun salutations yesterday made me realize that I feel completely disconnected with my body, and my goal for the upcoming month is to rediscover that connection and move back home into this body Iapos;ve been given. Itapos;s not by any means a wonderful body, but it is mine. Ironic how someoneapos;s chosing to give up on their body, their life, lead me to feel this way.

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Even though I still dont think of Sam as an ex-girlfriend, today I woke up and felt like I am a single guy.� Not because of my actions, I am not living life any different than I did before, but that my life is all about me.�

I am not someone who dates, I am single or in a comited relationship.� I dont get dating, it doesnt do anything for me.�

Every morning I wake up in my bed, with Hoss by my side, and choose when and how I am going to start my day.� its not that its any better or worse than my life before, its just different than I have lived for the past 2 1/2 years, and its taking some getting used to.

Sam has said to me before; "I feel like you define yourself so much based on our relationship."� And to an extent she is right, but its not that I need her to be me, I have been defining myself as being a part of a relationship, the same way that I define myself by my job, my friends, and where I go to school.

So now, Iapos;m single, and iapos;m relearning how to define myself as such.

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Today is the one-year anniversary of my panic attack.� I thought it might be somebodyapos;s birthday, but I donapos;t know the significance of Oct 19th.� I thought I remembered somebody asking me if it was significant, before it happened.� I think the panic attack may have been planned.� If nothing else, Oct 2008 is the approximate 22 year anniversary of the last time I saw Crete "Susan"�McCourtney, the love of my life.

As of today, Iapos;m staying with my mom stepdad at my momapos;s place, condo #7.� This is an uncomfortable situation, since they abused me when I was a kid.� Itapos;s an unstable situation, because my mom is a control freak, and sheapos;s thrown me out before.� Iapos;m thinking maybe I can at least stay here long enough for my scraped elbows blistered toes to heal.

I should find out�the status of�my crazy check by the end of the month.� Iapos;m not optimistic.

The land line number here is sep du sep, ok du unu, ok unu tri naux.� Call me, but be cagey.

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Yesterday, i had let my emotions to overtake me.
spoiling my saturday.
thought about it and laugh at myself.

on the journey, i asked myself:
was it because the seller had canceled the meetup last minute?
was it because of what i was informed in the morning?
was it because i was too tired from work?
was it because i didnapos;t have enough sleep?
or was it just purely pms-ing?

HA HA... I laugh wickedly at myself.
when was the last time that i ever had this feeling.
not a great feeling but still something that was missed. :P


today, i went to the temple where my dadapos;s tablet was placed.
the caretaker told me about one of the recent deceased story.
my heart aches for him and his family.
a recent news clip would have the details.
a car accident killed 2 friends on a supper trip.
saw the young wife of the driver (who was there).
happiness was wiped away from her.
sorrow could only be seen.
felt sorry for her.

on the rainy trip back, i asked myself.
why had i not felt blessed all the time.
why had i been selfish to only consider my own feelings.
on comparison, i had been lucky.
my basic needs are met.
the people are care for me are around and vice versa.
there are so many people in the world who couldnapos;t even have this.

why shouldnapos;t i be happy with the present.
why do i grumble and complain over small stuff.
shouldnapos;t me be thinking of the brighter side of all causes?
was it because of the fast pace society that cause our tolerance level for others to be low?
why didnapos;t people take a step back and enjoy the slow pace for a moment.
things would be brighter and day would be happier.
i guessed its all because when you are in the rat race, the term "slow down" would be erased.
(to note: i am a no saint in the above but i do pause for a while in the morning to look at the morning rush.)



tomorrow, it would be just another busy day at work.
rushing to get some tasks completed.
handover, and take my leave with peace.

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